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Captain Jack Sparrow Geico commercial   
04:55pm 05/07/2006
funny, Pirates!
Baby Spice   
01:13pm 23/05/2006
  LONDON - Former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell has named her baby Bluebell Madonna.

The singer also known as Ginger Spice, 33, told Hello! magazine she'd been inspired by seeing the spring flowers during her pregnancy.

"But what really clinched it for me was my mother telling me that the bluebell is increasingly rare _ so it's precious flower, which seems just right for my daughter," Halliwell was quoted as saying.

Halliwell said she had chosen the middle name in honor of one of her heroines.

"As she came out of my tummy, Bluebell had both arms flung wide in the air as if announcing to the world, `Hi! I'm here!'" the magazine quoted Halliwell as saying.

"She was screaming her head off, as though she was shouting, `Hello, Wembley!' No one else has that name, apart from the Virgin Madonna and the singer, whom I love."

The baby was born May 14 at London's Portland Hospital weighing 5 lbs 12 ounces.

In the Hello! interview, Halliwell made no mention of the baby's father. He is reportedly Hollywood scriptwriter Sacha Gervasi, 40.
Spice Girl Baby   
01:11pm 23/05/2006
  LONDON - Former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell has named her baby Bluebell Madonna.

The singer also known as Ginger Spice, 33, told Hello! magazine she'd been inspired by seeing the spring flowers during her pregnancy.

"But what really clinched it for me was my mother telling me that the bluebell is increasingly rare _ so it's precious flower, which seems just right for my daughter," Halliwell was quoted as saying.

Halliwell said she had chosen the middle name in honor of one of her heroines.

"As she came out of my tummy, Bluebell had both arms flung wide in the air as if announcing to the world, `Hi! I'm here!'" the magazine quoted Halliwell as saying.

"She was screaming her head off, as though she was shouting, `Hello, Wembley!' No one else has that name, apart from the Virgin Madonna and the singer, whom I love."

The baby was born May 14 at London's Portland Hospital weighing 5 lbs 12 ounces.

In the Hello! interview, Halliwell made no mention of the baby's father. He is reportedly Hollywood scriptwriter Sacha Gervasi, 40.
Now I pray   
02:29pm 10/04/2006
  It seems that shit just keeps getting worse and all that’s happening is just a lot of situations going down hill. I got a phone call today from my little nephew, crying his heart out so loud he could barely stand, saying that my sis attacked him verbally, telling him he’s worthless. I try to speak to her and she just goes off at me about my mom and my nephew. I just want to scream at her the loudest my lungs could go that I just wish she was dead. Life would be so much easier if her fucking life had ended, my mom wouldn’t be in the state she’s in, wanting to kill herself, my nephew could go to school everyday without crying. What’s fucked up to me is that the family agrees with my sister, well it’s a for sure split down the middle, some think my sister has done nothing wrong that its all my mother, the other side feels it was my sisters fault, those are the ones that have witnessed it with their own eyes. I stood by during winter break and watched my sister tear at me, just the entire day taking shots, making rude comments, being a bitch to where I wanted to stab her right there in the throat and my mother had to stop me. I would’ve killed her and not thought twice about it, I felt the judge would rule in my favor because of how evil she is. She doesn’t deserve kids, she doesn’t deserve life.

I feel like breaking down, because inside it just hurts, its like my heart wants to just break down, and never go back to beating and that I’m going to lose my mom, she’s going to die and I’m going to have to live on this forsaken earth without her. I’m going to die alone, and never find the happiness I want, I’ll never succeed in life, my films will go unnoticed, I’ll be a nobody flipping burgers. I mean I’m just hurt, and afraid and I’m just hardening, I’m just turning myself off to emotion, I’m not crying, I’m not breaking down, if anything I’m making myself so busy I’m avoiding how I feel. I told a girl how I felt, that I liked her, she didn’t return the feeling, I’m hooked to holding her hand, everytime I’m around her I just want to hold her, I feel better, but no, I can’t do that. She doesn’t like me, its not like that, its never like that. Why can’t I feel like everyone else? Why am I suffering, why is god putting all this on me, my family, my relationships, I can’t sleep, I’m angry a lot of the time. My mind just needs to rest, but it’s like it can’t, like I can’t let it sleep.

This house, they want me to afford the house and I want to afford the house, I don’t want to go home for the summer, but again its like some outside force is doing everything it can to strip money away from me, yesterday Randy Man’s cassette tape got stuck in the VCR and ripped to shreds, I thought I would have to pay him back, meaning less money for my film. My film I’m trying to get started and shot, the one that is supposed to be a showcase of how much I’ve grown is struggling every step of the way, from finding an actor, to costumes, to locations to everything. I’m so scared with that of fucking up any shot, messing it up completely.

I’m just closing up in this response, like I don’t want to see anyone, my heart just feels like shit, I keep getting hopes up, I met this wonderful girl at the story, gave her my number she said she would call me that night and never did. Wait until it comes to you is what they always say, and you know I’m not going to wait, I’m not going after it, I’m shutting everything out, I don’t care if their interested, if I’m being hit on, fuck a relationship, fuck holding, spooning, kissing, I don’t want any of it, I don’t want to be hurt anymore. That part of me is off limits and I hope I can keep it that way forever. I’ll just have friends, people I can talk to and hang out with, I don’t need anything more, I’ll never need anything more than what I have. I pray to god to watch over my mother, make her better, get everyone out of this horrible situation and give her the strength to walk again and live. Please god.
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She's taken of course!   
11:28pm 21/12/2005
  You know I feel like my stomach is turning inside out and that my arms are weak and I feel sick. Just sometimes this whole feeling alone thing really can suck ass, I mean it really kicks in on the holidays when I work at a mall where I see hundreds of couples walking by holding each other or hands and I serve them popcorn with a smile. As they quarrel with each other over small things like who should pay for the small pepsi. I look at them and I want to stop what I’m doing and ask them if they’re happy, how did they meet and what has life been like since? Because I think sometimes that needs to be done to recognize how far you’ve come, what you’ve passed in terms of emotions because I would love to be reminded what it feels like to be with someone I love compared to how I felt without them because I would appreciate their company more so than I already enjoy.

I could say that I feel lonely and that no one out there can understand me as a person or see where I’m coming from and that I’ll never find somebody like that, but this situation isn’t anywhere near that. Actually its more of just a disappointment, that I once again found somebody who knew where I was coming from, who understood me, and they’re in a relationship with another person. Their happy. It sucks because I was into her, into getting to know her and speak with her more and the conversations just carried as if there was no tomorrow and for once I wasn’t in a rush to get into things. I was ready to take out time to get to know her and fall for her and not force anything. I feel rejected even though I wasn’t, it’s just now that it was mentioned she was in a relationship; she’s always been in one. So I sit and question stupid questions like did she have an interest in me like I had her, or was it just one sided? I know inside what I need to have right now is hope and understanding, understanding that she’s happy where she is right now, she’s with a guy who will treat her right and has waited a long time to be with her and I need to hope that I can keep on with a good friendship with her as we both move forward with our lives, because its not everyday you find someone who knows where your coming from, they make good friends.

Though I’m tired of going down this same street, the same acceptance that they’ll be great friends, I have great friends, but I want something different, I want to look passionately into the eyes of the woman I care about and tell her that I thought her, that I miss her. What comes out of my mouth? “did you see Narnia?” Sometimes I am just fucking weird, stupid, I don’t know who the hell on this earth acts like me, who is so crazy about movies, I mean I feel sometimes I should take pity on myself because of what I’ve developed into as a person. I sometimes feel like an auteur like I’m going to make a difference, like I’m heading somewhere and then there are those days where I’m like a walking joke. A fucking blade trinity cap, batman forever shirt, pitch black goggles, I’m a geek, a nerd. Though I need to stop it. Stop thinking that way and see myself for the positive aspects. I mean my sister said to me that I have developed into something unique, that there is no one on this earth like me and that it makes her happy to see me this way because she remembers when I was everything that is a follower. Though being this unique, feels quite alone. I dug brandi, still dig her, like her and I’m going to play this out, but I just want to put out that for 2006 I’m through with it.

I mean think about it, romantic, I’ve met people this year who are so into the thought of romanticism that they judge people by it. I want someone who will love me, buy me a rose every day, lay petals out on my bed, buy me diamond jewelry. THAT’S NOT LOVE. That is nothing close to love, nothing resembling. That is materialistic. That is nothing words can make up for, that is something you can hold in your hands. I give these flowers, these roses, sunflowers, with love and emotion and now they’ve become a cliché, something every guy gets to express himself, so what did I do, I changed, I used my words, my poetry, my heart to tell my feelings and what has happened? They’ve been laughed at, thrown aside, unreturned, ignored. I’ve spent so much time lusting and waiting and gotten no where. NO WHERE. NO FUCKING WHERE.

Patience is not a virtue, truth in words gets you no where in today’s world and being a complete asshole when your black only gets you slapped. Everyone has a opinion. Everyone thinks that they’re a pimp, they know how the game goes. “You don’t ask no hoe out a week in advance, you ask that bitch out the day before.” BULLSHIT. There are some people strangely in this existence that have plans for tomorrow that don’t involve making room for a date. You try to much Malik is what they always say. Why do I try? Break that down, why do I try? I try because waiting has gotten me no where, waiting for something to happen, living life not caring has gotten me no where. What did it bring, it brought a girl who was psycho and threatened to kill me. No waiting has brought on every girl the book of dating has told you to stay the hell away from, a girl who lies constantly to friends, family and sleeps around. A 6 foot Russian who cheats immediately on every boyfriend she gets. A bald headed Christian who is confused, bi sexual, sleeps with women while dating a man but doesn’t consider it to be cheating because its with the same sex. No no waiting. What has trying gotten me, it got me a date, one date, with one of the most wonderful girls I’ve met to date, and yeah she became taken immediately after, but it got me that moment. It gave me inspiration; it didn’t kick my heart to the gutter or make me have to lower my standards to where a monkey couldn’t even have a chance. No, Malik you try to hard. I’m sorry that I’m not like you, that I don’t care if no one is in my life ever, ever and I am happy being by myself. I don’t even like writing the thought of that because we were never meant to be alone. If you’re out there and you’re A Sexual, you don’t date men or women, why do that to yourself, why cut yourself off from that connection?

I need to wrap it up because my thoughts can spew like this for weeks. I’m okay, I feel sometimes lonely, the spells can come on strong and people’s opinions sometimes piss me off because I know that they’re lying to themselves, that’s why they drink, or do whatever because if compared to those who have boyfriends, some actually drink way less. There’s more fun out there than what exists in the bottle. Sex to me is overrated, but that’s simply because I haven’t had it with someone worth it. I guess I’m old fashion because I want to care about the individual. Love does exists, but it seems that by being who I am, I’m not destined for it, and I prayed in 2005 to find love and it failed me, a complete year failed me, so no more resolutions, I don’t feel I have anything to change anymore, forget changing, fuck change, I’m stuck this way, this is who I am and damn I might as well start getting use to it. I’ve spent 20 years changing trying to meet everyone else or change so that a girl would want me, everyone wants what they can’t have, I’ll always be in bad taste then because if you’re my type you can have me. No hard to get. So shit. Fuck it.
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02:39pm 16/11/2005
08:41pm 08/10/2005
  So things have not been normal here, at least with me as something seems to be happening. I don’t feel very well, almost as if I’m sick to my stomach and on the verge of tears. I feel out of place, as if I don’t belong and it just increases like this anxiety to where I have to get myself away from the situation. I don’t know. I feel really unloved and a bit alone, I’m lying again, I don’t feel a bit lonely, I feel lonely. I’m going to increase my work load so I don’t have to think about it, but I’m just unhappy right now.  
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The competition continues!   
01:50pm 04/09/2005
  Ah it is time to write again.

So yeah basically everything with Amazon is going fairly well so far, I want to send a big large thank you to everyone who has so far voted, we passed the first deadline, which was August 29th, there’s another one coming up which is September 7th, and if we make it past there and maintain a top 5 of the films being shown then we can be eligible for Round 2, which I swear to those of you who have spent numerous hours looking for the 2 films will be a lot easier. With Round 2, there are only 5 films to choose from, so you could find either of them in no time. It seems the marketing worked for people getting to vote and I’m extremely happy about that, the whole college, a full 500 employees T-mobile building, and a floor of people who work in stocks got e-mails and are still voting, including all my immediate family. I’m trying to go at this 100 percent because I want to put faith in the actors and my crew and show them we did something really unique and that I’d love to work with them all again. I just got word that Stalactite/Generous is actually still in the running also, it was towards the end of the films, but people are still running into it and voting so that’s good to see that its succeeding also. I wish they’d show me my damn rating, but its okay, the anticipation keeps me going.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Yesterday was a horrible day, for various reasons because to be honest, I have been doing my best to see The 40 Year Old Virgin, and its been 2 weeks since it’s release and everytime I attempt to go something gets in my way. Yesterday I planned to wake up and go see that, followed by Underclassman and Transporter 2, and then I remembered bouncy day and capture the flag. So to start off my day I fell on my neck on the obstacle course, and couldn’t turn left, and that caused me some tremendous pain, as I laid down in my room, I went around bouncy day one more time and hung out with John, missed my bus and the way it would work is that after 6 or 6:30 the bus stops running in Santa Fe, so I’d be stuck at the mall with no ride home, so I chose to not go. I’d stay and shoot Becca, but I didn’t want her to miss swing dancing, so I hung around and played Capture the flag, which was crazy, not organized and brutal. I spent a lot of my time in jail. I was never really the fast runner, especially across the whole quad. Then I watched Breakin in the Sub, which I have to say has some terrible acting and I really wish there was more to break dancing then hopping, I’m very glad for our contemporary moves. Went to my room and sat down more, bored to tears and out of my mind, I spoke to Vanna over text messaging and Becca called in which I went over and shot some shots for my music video. Plan was to complete everything today, which I’m hoping we get to accomplish. Came back last night and sat around with a heating pad on my neck, and listened to Dilbert and went to bed.

Woke up today feeling like shit, I can turn left but now I can’t put my neck back without it hurting, I’m using the heating pad once again so I assume by Monday I’ll be back to normal. Shoot Becca today, and work, and do some editing if NMC is open, tomorrow consists of homework. I honestly just don’t feel like speaking to anyone, I’m agitated and annoyed and my fucking cell phone is constantly at 1 bar so that every conversation I have cuts out.

Lets see what else, well you ever get that feeling that like people are speaking bad things about you and that’s why you’re overlooked in a lot of situations? I get that feeling.

Girls, there’s always something up with Malik and girls, but it seems that has stopped. Officially tired of trying and looking and caring and being the brother role, the shoulder to cry on, the one who makes others laugh. Any other guy in this college or this city or this entire state can find a date in less than 45 minutes. I’m not going to say anymore that I wasn’t meant to be in a relationship, my friend Aimee said it best, you’ll find someone right for you someday. I just think not this year, or the next. I’m really not feeling anybody right now, like I have a general interest to hear their opinions and speak to them often, but I’m not in the I’d like to take you out to lunch mood, I seriously don’t feel any romantic interest. I think maybe I just needed to get beaten a couple more times before it would stop, so it’s stopped. I’d love to say that the results from this were great and I’ve been having a wonderful time, but really its only increased anger and agitation, so to counter attack that I’ve added a lot more to my plate to keep me busy. People here at this college are really busy, so I should make myself just as busy so I’m not the one calling them to hang out. We’ll both be busy and when we run into each other we can talk about how busy we’ve been and how much it sucks to be busy and that we really should hang out sometime, though we both know its not going to happen. I’m going to clean this room, blast music that I fucking love and play video games until class starts on Tuesday. Of course after doing homework, I’m thinking of also increasing my sleeping hours, 7 is just not enough, I mean I’m still freaking tired when I get up, so I’m going to try 8-9 maybe 10 like I did during the summer.

So for any family members asking, school is great, its better than being at home.
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Its probably true that i'm never the optomist   
08:20pm 23/08/2005
  Are we at that point where we don’t understand one another? I mean I too feel as though I don’t belong, except yours was caused by a different subject. Mines has simply appeared from looking out on the empty campus and by sitting in my room by myself. I don’t belong at home, I don’t want to be home, but how is it that I don’t feel I should be here. Not at another college I mean, but here as in, you and everyone else just ignore me, like when I clean theaters no one at work talks to me. Why the hell am I acting so weird. Its like I’m constantly nervous because I can smell defeat. I put my hope in projects no one gives a shit about and I feel alone. The whole point was to not feel alone.

What do the tarot cards say, they say to stay away from her, you are being used and you will be hurt, there is no hope for romantic relationship in future.

Tarot cards don’t help with shit, if anything they increase paranoia, but no the people doing the reading leave that out. I’m so paranoid that now everytime I’m around her I feel I’m bugging the shit out of her and I just want to leave her alone.

Taking sleeping pill, will help me sleep until tomorrow.
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Back Again   
01:50pm 21/08/2005
  So yes I’m at college now…again…and I have officially hooked up my own internet!

So yeah its been kind of dead and I’ve been seeing all these people running to each other, “oh where have you been?!” and I’m like yeah, I have 4 good friends, John, Sarah, Rebecca and Z. Missing a lot of people this year. So yeah as always things happen. My last days in Denver were somewhat hectic as they always are with packing. I chose this time to not push my schedule and try and meet everyone who didn’t have time to chill over the summer, so when Steph called or Jazmine called I declined and said just to keep in contact. Last time I was running around Denver for 3 days trying to meet everyone and say goodbye. I did see two people though that were scheduled weeks ahead of time, that was Briana and Monique. Basically Briana and I have this thing going on where after each semester we meet and discuss our lives so far and what we’re trying to accomplish or failing at, we had lunch, chicken noodle soup and talked about New York and Santa Fe. With Monique it was hanging out at the museum of nature and science which has got to be the stupidest idea ever. Here I am at the Hall of Life with a dancer and the computer just kept beeping at every exhibit saying YOU ARE BELOW AVERAGE. Damn it, she asked me what my results were I just crumbled up the paper and I was like, “for some reason it read me wrong on my strength.” She agreed that it did the same for hers, I left out the not running, can’t lift or touch toes, weigh 215 pounds part. Luckily with my working out and dieting I should be fit by December. Hung out with them, left to go home, slept for 30 minutes, and packed, and ran to Wal-Mart to obtain things I needed. This time it was a lot easier because we chose from what I already had what I would still need, so it was a couple of boxes and movie posters, finished around 3 in the morning, taped cartoons, slept for 4 hours and woke up to finish the job.

We were supposed to leave at 10, we didn’t leave until 12, family curse of always being late. I became paranoid, tired, irritated, angry, anxiety filled the whole trip because my damn mother can’t see worth shit, especially through a rain storm and Nigel…well he’s just an ass. So yeah I made it there at 6:05 exactly 6 hours after leaving and began bringing things into the room to meet Mark, but strangely enough there was no Mark, and come to find out I have the whole entire room to myself! Hell yes, but also a hell no (I’ll explain later). Saw John talked with him for awhile, I like his new threads, new style and look, very cool. Felt weird cause I haven’t changed at all, I got new shoes, well actually just new versions of the old shoes. Packed everything into the room and we began moving the room around to accomdate my needs. We have the tv station which has the DVD player and television, my laptop area with printer and stereo and drawers with different accompaniments. Very nice setup, I met Sarah and Rebecca whose room is where John’s old room was. They have a nice clean setup and it was good to see them again. Boom right back here to go to dinner with my mom and Nigel at Village Inn, irritation and tiredness were kicking in so I was bitching and just ready for the night to end. I then became overcome with fear.

See DF requires me to have a roommate, so I want to find out if the paperwork says I have one. Second, when I was with myles and Aj it was different because they had their friends and I had mine so there was always traffic coming through the room and when there wasn’t we listened to music or watched movies. Here, its just me in this room, just me, with no one really to talk to and I just got this itch saying no ones going to talk to me. I’m just going to stay here and do homework. So I’m going to fight it, stay out of here, meet people, hang do whatever I can because I know it helps.

Helped John move all his stuff to his room today, got up at 7 and said goodbye to my mother who slept in the parking lot last night (she didn’t feel comfortable sleeping in a single sex dorm). I chill now and look for a job tomorrow and attend a shitload of classes that go all the way until 9:30pm. Damn I’m going to hate Mondays and Wednesdays. So yeah that’s all that’s up here. Oh wait…stop. Just remembered my damn cellphone. Mother spilt coffee on it, the images turned not only backwards but upside down, can’t send messages and warranty doesn’t cover liquid damage. So we had this crappy backup flip phone that I have to use now and I switched my SIM card only to lose every phone number but Alex Matzke’s (sorry if last name spelled wrong). So I have to sit here and reenter every single person onto my phone book, so for those of you drop me a line and call the phone because I’ve done my best to record the numbers while seeing them upside down and backwards.
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I'm still R!!   
02:39pm 17/08/2005

My life is rated R.
What is your life rated?
Breakdown Recovery journal   
01:14pm 11/08/2005
  Yeah so i found this written on July 27, 2005. So we have a back entry people.

I had a weird breakdown today. I woke up and ate, sat around and watched Evil Dead 2, because I didn’t have to be into work until 6 and then only 2 hours, and around 5 I started having anxiety. Like I couldn’t take being in the house, then everyone came home, said they’d give me a ride to work and I just started getting dizzy, anxiety got worse, I didn’t want to be in the house anymore. I just wanted to go to work, then my sister took forever because she realized she wasn’t be dropped off first, got to work, with a headache pounding and just all my motions seeming slow, worked for 1 hour and 55 minutes, helped like 4 customers, and I was just out of it the entire time. It was like this overwhelming montage of images in my head. A story, a woman, a song, an image, a comment, an emotion. Just all going all over the place and I just wanted order to the chaos. So that turned into anger and frustration. Call her, you’ve been wanting to talk to her, so just give her a ring and tell her that you’ve missed her company, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it, my mind was saying no, my heart was saying yes and on top of this images pounding in my head I became furious. In the car, couldn’t speak, just stared out the window, sister making jokes, talking in high voice, asking annoying questions, yelling at mother, just want to go home, but no more stops. Now must stop at King Soopers for margarine for extra late dinner. Appetite decreasing, I go to Hollywood, anger inside me because my sister rents movies so I can’t rent any, and then doesn’t watch them and keeps them overdue. Fuck fuck fuck, is all in my mind straighten out the images please. All I feel is failure on my shoulders, loneliness, anger, being alone, no you can’t fall Malik because if you fall you’ll get hurt, they’ll hurt you. I care, and something says to stop caring because no one cares about you. That thought, like if I was dead tomorrow would anyone come to the funeral? That thought going, that I’ve worked myself into this person no one likes, can’t be redeemed, can’t be saved. Rose, stepped on is the image. I can’t see because I’m sitting in the car, no one is there, they’re merrily shopping. Call her, so I pick up the phone and dial. She’s busy and I’ll talk to her later. I had such a great time, smile cause it was cool, but fear hits. Nervous, cause the self esteem drops. Family gets back in the car, become more dizzy, can’t talk, voices yelling, angry at one another, get in the house and just stumble to my room, can’t sleep, restless, and the ring announces “Don’t ever leave me because I’ll find you.” Damn, what, what do you want, surprised at my irritation, she attempts to put a guilt trip on me, that I’ve hurt her, that I cannot be trusted, not helping my current thought process that no one wants me around, she’s telling me no one wants me around. Breakdown enters next stage, I feel I’m being punished, like I’m destined to a lost and I just want to break it, I just want to be happy, tired of being depressed. “I can’t handle this.” Hangs up on me, so easy to freaking run away when someone asks for help. Eat dinner, sit, irritated and dizzy, head banging and nervousness.

I have calmed down a bit, gotten some thoughts in order. The image is beautiful in my mind, done in a European style of filming. The song is a bit of hip hop with classical contemporary with single soloists, inspiring. Story is the script I’ve been working on, still stuck on dialogue. The comment is to stop being serious and enjoy your work, make it fun like it is to you. Emotion is crush, and scared of the crush. I just need rest. Lots of rest in which I’m going to attempt. Please.
Whole lotta bitches jumping ship!   
01:10pm 11/08/2005
  Yeah so I’m one of those people that believes in walking away from a situation to avoid confrontation or a very large problem. Even if that means getting out of the car in the middle of the street.

This morning I found myself doing just that as I woke up to my mother upset, my sister going off at Nigel, with him in tears and me trying to find out if DSA is possible today, with no answer. I go to the car to find my sister yelling at my mother, and my mother doing best to ignore the bantering and I get in the car and my sister doesn’t stop, won’t stop, and continues going and my mother announces I’m being dropped at DSA after dropping her off which starts my sister yelling about previous plans she’s made without telling anyone. So I open up the door and get out of the car and walk back to the house.

So Mom is truly fed up, can’t take it anymore and is officially out of the house. Which means I’m stuck in this house with Cora and Nigel. Really sucks, and now I’m really counting the days until I can go back to college.

Been doing some soul searching, dealing with the whole being black thing and African American history and my feelings about being called a nigger at work. So its been crazy, haven’t started packing and have just put my focus on Lenny. Which is done now so I’m happy inside. I’m bored waiting patiently until its time to go to work, I was hoping to meet Tierza tonight, but the movie screening is at a bar in which I can not attend. So I’m stuck here. This sucks.

How’s your day been?
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This Morning   
08:15am 09/08/2005
  So I sit here waiting patiently to finish. I mean summer has sucked by far, I have this medallion over my heart to remind me of good times, but still I’m engulfed by bad ora, dreams, music, family. Though there is a shining light, my films and today I get to finally complete them all. Music, special effects and I’ve even obtained licenses from the composer to make the music my own 100 percent and I’ve sent off his check. I cannot wait to see Lenny finalized, see it film festival worthy and to have my DVD copy to send off to my crew. It makes me smile. Hope G-Dep doesn’t leave me hanging at the school. Also wish us best of luck on the film submission.

So yeah a lot of things have been up here, and man I just got so down I couldn’t write anymore. I had just lost it and had like this kind of breakdown for awhile, but as always friends to the rescue, and family, my favorite cousin Julie had a long discussion with me about the upcoming year, my life, my goals, my family and made me realize that I’m on the right path. Also the job got better when I realized I was on the right path, I mean there are some great funny as hell people there and I think we all like the environment, just not really the job, but yeah its exciting. They all said Malik isn’t a scumbag, no way of being one if I tried. It’s not in my heart to do harm to other people. I got much more, but trust me it will be coming slowly because school is starting, and I have to start packing, and I’m trying to finish financial aid and shit its just so much work on top of my job. Well 14th is my last official day of work, then I have about 4-5 days to get prepared for college, then I’m back. Another year of hurdles, interesting stories, interesting people.
Fantastic 4 dream   
01:09am 23/07/2005
  Want to talk about weird dreams? I had a weird fucking dream.

Right so I’m going up against these jocks, trying to get into this room and I’m watching in third person and I’m visiting Sue Storm. That’s right the Invisible Woman from Fantastic 4, and of course Jessica Alba is doing terrible acting informing me that she loves for me and cares for me and the next thing I know I have to leave. I make two more visits except the last time is very different, there is something evil abound and I can feel it. Next thing I know I’m watching the thing in third person go visit the invisible woman and she tells him that there’s trouble abound, that Doom is near and he looks in the corner and there’s the shape of Doom being invisible. He panics (well I panic) and he looks back at her and she hands him the car keys, she says take his truck to safety. So now it switches to first person and I’m the thing and I run up the stairs and run outside to see this truck with a boat connected in the back and I see the shape of Doom and I’m like fuck that, so I keep running until I reach a van that is open with keys already present. I get in and start the car and start driving and motherfucker, I can’t even drive in my dreams. I’m moving from lane to lane all crazy, cars ducking out of the way and I have no idea how to steer, so I’m pressing on the accelerator like it was a video game and if you press it 5 times you reach maximum speed, so I’m pressing it 5 times and Doom is coming up fast because he pressed it 5 times too. I look over and Doom has transformed into Matt Stone from the creators of South Park on a bicycle and he starts slapping me on the shoulder, next thing I know my van is gone and I’m on a bicycle too, but the rules still apply, you press the accelerator 5 times you go maximum speed, so we’re racing and out of no where I see the Grizzlies from A Dirty Shame and they’re running after us and then a fucking dog jumps over the gate and is running after us. I got Matt hitting me repeatedly and I’m running stop signs because I forgot to brake, ain’t using my signal for turns, and so I make a u-turn he follows and the dog jumps on him attacking him, the grizzlies jump in too and start having man sex with him and I escape off into the street.

That is my Fantastic 4 dream. Fuck.
Just go   
11:52pm 17/07/2005
  I’m finding it really hard to survive right now. I’m trying as hard as I can and I’m just not succeeding at all. Tonight there was an ambulance and fire truck that came to the house to pick up Nate. He’s been throwing these tantrums right? The kind like when a little kid doesn’t get his way and what do you do? You beat his ass until he stops, or you send him to the corner, and my sister is trying to talk this out with him and all of a sudden he starts throwing tantrums. Now this is screaming to the top of the lungs in stores, outside on the porch, inside, disturbing our neighbors, and then it turned physical. He began breaking windows in the car, attempting to kill my sister (his mother) while driving and opening his door while the car is in motion, punching and kicking and biting her. He threw one today because she told him to turn off the tv, I mean screaming to the fucking skies and kicking and she lost it, she picked him up but he started punching her, and then he tried to run but I stopped him. My mother is sick of it, she’s bankrupt, working to feed 5 people, my sister doesn’t do shit and this family never fucking changes. I can’t sleep because in the morning he throws tantrums, at night he throws tantrums and I just want to sleep, I just want fucking rest. So they took him to the hospital now. I don’t know whats up, I frankly don’t give a rats ass, I just know I don’t want to be here anymore. Just life sucks, I don’t understand the importance of relationships, I can’t stand the fucking loneliness I feel and I don’t want to be home and I have no other place to go. I can’t see my friends in other states because I don’t have the money, I have to pay for my way back to Santa Fe, clothes, books, glasses, to see my doctor, buy my medicine and I still have no fucking money for movies or for school. What was the fucking point of getting a fucking summer job? I would’ve been better off on the street because I came here with shit in my pocket and I’m leaving here with shit in my pocket. I’ve tried really hard to make environments for me to go to so I won’t be so stressful, turn to people, talk, be open but no that’s not possible. My job most of the time everyone there is in a bad mood, don’t want to be there and just complain. Here there’s nate, my depressed mother, OCD and overall fucking bitch god I hope she fucking dies sister and the always crying, whining little bitch Nigel. Can’t really talk to friends, everyone’s busy, always busy, don’t like to return text messages, or even phone calls. Everyone just stays away from me. I only talk to Sarah on e-mail, won’t answer the phone anymore. It’s kind of like being alone, I’m picked up and dropped again, no communication, nothing, I’m just fucking stuck here. Can’t complete my movie, have no alone time because someone is always around. Can’t spend my own money. I’m just losing it, losing faith, nothing can help my mom, she can’t let Nigel and Nate go on the streets, my sister won’t get a job or do anything to support herself and just bitches about how she’ll one day have her own place and car. I just don’t want to be here and I don’t feel welcome at Santa Fe either, like I have no place. I just don’t want to exists, so I’m sleeping and sleeping and just miserable. Summer sucks.  
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Day Off   
03:15am 03/06/2005
  Today was Thursday. My day off from work and for some reason these days off never seem to go very well because they are filled with so much to do it doesn’t feel really like I rested. Next thing I know boom I’m off to work. Which is the case in a couple of hours. My mom won’t get off my case about how things aren’t getting done with the scholarship, I’m doing the best I bloody can but it’s hard when I’m working most of the day, I don’t see her taking an initiative. I woke up, wrote a paper on how the second semester of college went, rode to DF to turn that sheet in, brought packages to send the DVD copies to everyone of the movies, then got in a big fight, got out of the car in traffic and walked home. Finished letters, walked to Kinko’s and printed them out, walked to post office and sent packages, took bus back home, listened to music, sat with family for a bit, watched X-Men, Bad Boys II, Birthday Girl and now I’m here. So yeah.  
One Way and then the Other   
02:03am 30/05/2005
  What has happened?

Well, I got the job, have been working at the movie theater for 3 days now. Funny things and interesting occurrences have happened.

Man walks up to me the size of Jabba the hutt and says to me, “Give me liquid! And give me sustenance!”

I stare at him, can’t keep my mouth shut from laughing at him, and he finally stopped staring and said, “I’m just kidding, but seriously 1 tub of popcorn, 1 large pepsi..”

So I’ve been happy to be back in the environment, fast pace, plus free movies so I’m taken care of for the summer.

Worked with a girl Amerika today cleaning theaters for 8 hours, all she talked about was her ex boyfriend, guys in general, how they’re all jerks, and finally after hour 5 I couldn’t take it and we went into a discussion of nice guys. But oh of course nice guys get screwed also because they’re too nice and she claimed women like something they can change, they like a bad boy who will treat them like shit but remember anniversaries. What she wants is a nice guy, who is bad also so she can make him straight, but the trick is he can’t become completely nice or else she’ll dump him. Very strange and sad because I work all I can feel is that this is it, film, theater, movie goers, this might be the only thing in my life to make me happy. You know? I’ll never look out and pick up my kid and carry him on my shoulders to see his/her very first movie. I’ll never be like the goddamn high school freshman in the back of theater making out while I clean everything up. I mean it saddens me, and it makes me feel isolated and alone, but it also makes me angry. What makes everyone so goddamn special? Is it because they can play sports, because they can drink, because they can get money at the snap of a finger? It’s because they’re dishonest to others, portray themselves as something they aren’t and live that life creating a comfort zone for love and any other type of emotion or action to take place, but when a person is real in life and in their heart, just fits out of place.

My mother said something to me today that hurt my feelings and it’s a wonderful thing to hear after a hard day of work. “Malik, I met this great girl today, doing film studies up in Colorado Springs, but she’s only 18, anyway you wouldn’t like her because she’s black.”

That’s not true, and of course she wouldn’t understand that because there exists no communication between us. She obviously has forgotten Alisha, that I liked her, and Brittany who I dated for awhile. Those are just forgotten names, or Tabitha. Race has no difference to me, where personality is everything. My own mother man.

It’s weird, it’s like the more I want somebody, the more I hate the thought of being with somebody. It’s like I’ll get hurt.

Anyway just the bi polar in the blood, everything truly is going good, getting sleep, hanging out, watching a shit load of movies, I’m studying different directors, coming up with ideas, trying to find my style. Lenny is out getting scored, and I simply just want to get better. My mind wanders at the strangest moments.

Saw Code 46….it sucked.

Anyway, have tomorrow and Thursday off, so I’m going to rest and see The Longest Yard. I suspect the week will be good, I mean c’mon it rained today.
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Fuck home   
11:32pm 24/05/2005
  So I sat around yesterday and today, well not really, they called and said they’re computers were having trouble and that they needed to find out if they could rehire me, so I have to wait. If I don’t get the job then I go out looking for another one. Taking care of business today, got to Daniels Fund and filled out a shitload of paperwork, got it faxed and sent off to its separate places, still have 2 more things, a form proving I did workstudy and an essay on how my year was, so I also have the meeting tomorrow, don’t know what I’ll be doing for 3 hours, but probably answering they’re questionnaires.

Lets see anything else. Yeah I went to school this past week to show my films, Lenny, Stalactite/Generous and Lost Love, which all were well received by the morning class. About 10-20 minutes of discussion, questions, we pulled off the illusion so I was happy about that, the afternoon class didn’t have much feedback, or even really care. Kelsey attempted to leave. Ouch, but parents showed up cause they heard I was showing my work, showed it to them, they loved it, said they could see the development and so I feel confident again. Ready to do more.

I’ve been thinking about her, I don’t try to stop myself, because I smile and I’m happy, it’s a friendship I value and at church Sunday I said a prayer in hopes of keeping it for my years to come. Good friends are hard to come by and speaking of that, I gotta say I miss Alex and John, not the same having them not present at lunch doing jokes and all, plus no more walks. Seriously still miss college very much. Can’t wait to go back, this to me is a hellhole. There was a verbal fight tonight between my mom and my sister, my mother seriously on edge, cursing her brains out to my sister who wouldn’t shut the fuck up, I mean she instigates, she really does encourage fighting and I pushed her, I told her to leave and stop it but she wouldn’t, my mom didn’t even eat, just went to straight to bed, wishing she were dead. I just want to leave, not be here seriously, and she said me getting a job is not going to help because at the end of the night I still have to come back home. Wish I didn’t, if I could stand it, I would sleep on the streets.
Baby's Day Out   
11:21pm 21/05/2005
  So today was a busy day, woke up and went down to Alameda and met up with Hannah and the very beautiful Alisha. We ate at Watercourse, it was so hot today the sun melted my $1.50 gummi worms. Pissed me off. Then we hung out at a park, a little shopping and sitting around, I was happy to just enjoy the scenery and hang out. Got to meet Kali (hope I spelled her name right) and swing with Hannah, all very relaxing and then to Graduation which I felt was way better than ours. Better speeches, better environment, very cool and exciting, they’re done now and I can’t wait to see what they do next. Congratulations to all you guys.

On the way home I talked to AD on the phone, and rode with Ms. Larson, Wiseman and Mr. Mediatore, that was cool, he has even more energy out of class then in class.